Speaking of Birthday Parties...

[I just posted this on facebook. This has been annoying me for years, though, so I am also re-posting it here.]

The kids just got back from the traditional bi-monthly trek to the mailbox.Once again, I have received catalogues from companies trying to sell me themed toddler birthday parties for $100-$300.

(Seriously? $50 to get a foam "throne" that my baby will be too hyper to sit in? Another $100 for decorations he's too little to appreciate, and goody bags to hand out to other babies who aren't even doing parallel play yet? All for some event the kid will neither appreciate in the moment, nor ever remember?)

I'm feeling generous. I will explain to the world--for free--how properly to plan a party for a one- or two-year-old child.

Just follow these simple steps:

1) Buy a cheap toy from Goodwill. (If you really want to splurge, you may get him a sparkly board book from Barnes and Noble.)
2) Make cupcakes.
3) Strip your kid down to a diaper.
4) Shove him in the high chair
5) Have the immediate family gather to sing "Happy Birthday."
6) Hand him the cupcake.
7) Let him "eat" it himself. (That's the entertainment. For everyone.)
8) Take a picture. (If you really want to splurge, you may video-record the whole thing on your smartphone and upload it to a private youtube channel.)
9) Clean him up.
10) Hand him his present. Let him "eat" it himself. (That's the rest of the entertainment. If you need yet more excitement, you may hand him the present BEFORE cleaning him up.)

If you spend more than $10, you have done something seriously wrong. 

No doubt you wish to thank me for offering this wisdom. You may do so by figuring out a way to get crassly commercial companies to stop sending me unwanted mailers.