Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Reepicheep's Honor: Challenge and Combat

[I quote, with permission, certain emails which passed between my sister Cheryl and myself this week past. They have been minimally edited. Cheryl said that adjudication would be a problem. I look to you, loyal readership, to arbitrate between us. In a completely impartial manner, of course.]

Cheryl:

Gail,

I have lost my library card and wonder it if could have fallen out of my bag at your house. If you see it, please let me know. Rachel has finished Dealing with Dragons and Doug has finished Artemis Fowl. We are almost done with The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and are already finished with The Magician's Nephew. I had forgotten that Reepicheep is completely insane. [Emphasis added] Soon I will have a little packet of your stuff to send back to you.

Cheryl



Gail:
To Our Most Noble Sister, Duchess Cheryl Homer Moody, greeting.

Reepicheep isn't crazy!....

[An impromptu essay defending this valiant mouse. In a few days, I will re-work it slightly and publish my persuasive arguments.]

...Thus, in accordance with the ancient rites of honor, I challenge you to a duel, to test upon my body whether I speak true or no. I send this epistle by the hand of my dragon, Eustace, and Njord, my henchdolphin, who shall also serve as my seconds. If you have such henchanimals who are willing -- though it would not startle me to discover your "friends" desert your cruel tyranny in your hour of direst need -- they may make arrangements for the time, place, weapons, and arbiter in consultation with my own representatives.

Trusting that you shall not prove craven, I shall have the pleasure of meeting you next upon the field of honor, whereupon I shall prove your libelous assertions false in the eyes of all the world.

My seconds are also authorized to negotiate press coverage and media rights in my behalf.

Defiantly yours,


Gail Homer Berry
Queen of Papizan, Defender of the Realm, Preserver of the Dignity of Our Subject Gentlebeings, &c.

Postscriptum: If, as I hope, our encounter shall prove fatal to your person, I shall, as a warrior of honor, forward any personal effects, such as library cards, to your heirs and estate.

--GHB




Cheryl:
I stand by my assertion. Reepicheep acknowledges no reason to avoid danger in any instance. In fact, he gloriously seeks danger under the guise of adventure and labels any who refuse to join him cowards, even if they are merely cautious and perhaps want to examine the situation prior to rushing to their likely deaths. He reminds me of those who step in front of semis saying "My god will save me." The fact that he keeps being saved only encourages him and he doesn't see that not every one is so blessed.

As for the duel, honor demands that I choose the weapons. I select buttercream frosting, which is unlikely to result in death or maiming. Merely an increase in glucose levels from the taste testing. Yes, a cake decorating contest. Splendid idea. The impartial jury will be comprised of missionaries who are about to ship home.

Does that mean you found my card, or not?

Cheryl



Gail:
I accept your challenge! I can post pictures of my masterpieces of cake decorating from the last several years. (Poor Jon was hoping for a new cake out of this.) Our distance makes the taste-test impractical. I point out that buttercream frosting could result in death or maiming for
Dad.

May I post our emails on this topic on my blog? Along with my fair, unbiased commentary? [I later obtained verbal permission.]

I have not seen your library card. I merely meant that I would ship any and all personal effects to your heirs.



Cheryl:
My husband also believes this should be done with new cakes. He likens using pictures of past cakes to showing up at a duel with previously shot at paper targets. It occurs to me that next week is the 4th of July, may I suggest that we each prepare a patriotic cake? I think Reepicheep would approve of celebrating the Revolutionary ideal. Judging is a challenge, though.

3 comments:

Carrie said...

I´m judging!!!!! That is, if you all take lots of pictures and email them to me/post them here. You might have to both invite missionaries over or some other unbiased party to judge the actual taste on some sort of predetermined rubic.

Jon said...

I can be unbiased! I really, really, really can. I'll be a good boy and vote for the right person if I get some cake. Pleeeeeaaaase? Some milk to go with it would be nice, too.

Anonymous said...

As a non-sugar eater, I feel constrained from offering to judge, but I can follow the competition from afar.

I seem to remember a certain stuffed mouse bearing the name of the famous C.S. Lewis character. Could said mouse be pressed into service for the occasion? Or would a loyal British stuffed mouse have divided loyalties in an American Fourth of July setting? Even if the issue at hand is nationalism, not Christianity? Can he separate church and state? The possibilities are endless.

Would he do it? Do mice like cake? Is there any cheese in the deal? Cream cheese in the frosting? The suspense builds.

Mom