Historical Histrionics: Case Studies in European, American, and High School Dramatics

I started this as a quick reply to Carolyn's comment, but it quickly grew out of hand, so it has morphed into it's own post.

She said, "I would have gotten the Allende question! Well...I would have gotten it within +/- 2 years. But that's also because one of the first papers I ever wrote in Spanish was on the Allende-Pinochet coup."

Of course she would, but then, she took Spanish in high school and actually spent a semester in Spain. I'm jealous. I took French in school and was offered a slot for a language immersion summer program in France, but didn't take it for a variety of reasons. Mostly, I went on an anxiety trip, convinced my family couldn't afford it, and worried that if I didn't take a PE class that summer, I wouldn't graduate, thus delaying my escape from HSE high school. I spent the summer thinking, "I could have *gasp* been in Paris right now, *pant* but noooo, I have to run laps around this *wheeze* ($^& track..." I've always regretted that missed opportunity.

French Personalities

Still, I did acquire a fair amount of French history during my five-odd years studying the language. I could give you a brief bio (like two sentences) about Vercingetorix or Charlemagne. At a stretch, I might even still be able to manage it in simple, stammering French. Not specific dates, but general time frames. And definitely their crazy stories.

I could tell you stories about Clovis, first Catholic King of the Franks. According to legend, after winning a battle, he drew his sword on his own people and bullied them into jumping into a river and getting "baptized" as Christians. Rather more direct than Constantine's approach.

I once entertained Jon on a date by explaining how the modern French language's aversion to "borrowing" words like "computer" is all the fault of Cardinal Richelieu, who died over three centuries before the things were even invented.

I could tell you rather a lot about Napoleon. I have fond memories of the IU interview where a lady asked me about Napoleon's career, and I said, "He crowned himself" -- her eyebrows shot up, looking impressed -- "in, um..." (I did some rapid mental calculations, trying to add on years after the Revolution) "...well, it was early in the nineteenth century. Probably somewhere between 1800 and 1805." (She informed me, by the way, the correct date was 1803.)

I remember reading once about how Charles de Gaulle drove the Allied command crazy. I remarked to Jon, "Poor Eisenhower. All those egomaniacs in one theatre. Rommel and Hitler probably annoyed him far less than Montgomery, Patton, and de Gaulle. At least he didn't have to take on MacArthur, who was probably the equal of any three other self-deifying generals..."

I like European history in general, and also took a little German. I could identify Otto von Bismark or Ludwig II of Bavaria. (He's the crazy guy who was obsessed with Wagner, built Neuschwanstein, bankrupted his duchy, was declared legally insane, and then drowned under mysterious circumstances.)

I admit, however, that my grasp of Latin American history is quite weak.

Latin American "Learning"

Lesse, everything I know about the history of Central and South America, off the top of my head.

First, there were the Jaredites. Then the Nephites. Also the Maya, Aztecs, and Inca. (With some overlap. I think Book of Mormon scholars hypothesize the Maya and Nephites correlate.)

Then Columbus, followed by the Conquistadores. Then colonization and lots of Catholic missions. ("Loot, then colonize" doesn't sound like a good strategy to me, but what do I know? Not a lot, as demonstrated.) Next, the Line of Demarcation, negotiated by the Pope, is why Brazil speaks Portuguese and everyone else speaks Spanish.

Some tangential involvement in the Napoleonic wars. Simon Bolivar and various independence movements. Then the Monroe Doctrine, which all the major powers ignored at the time, though they stopped new colonies for other reasons, like (I'm guessing) the British navy.

Then another charming century or two of revolutions, coups, guerilla warfare, attempts at democratic reform, more coups, experiments with socialism, shifting alliances, more coups, drug cartels, and mostly-botched US meddling, etc. Many of the states are doing much better these days than they were in the late eighties, when I first started paying attention. On the other hand, we now have Hugo Chavez. Joy!

So, Carolyn, how did I do? Do I get a C, at least? Or do I need a remedial class?


Speaking of history class, one of my favorite high school stories involved...

An Error of Epic Inaccuracy

Once upon a time, during my junior year, I was sitting in French class, brooding about my bleak, bored, and depressed existence at "This stupid high school in the middle of a cornfield, which claims to be one of the best in the state but doesn't offer any AP classes."

At least French, taught by Madame Selke, was almost up to my standards. (She herself was an excellent teacher who did great things for my accent. I was annoyed because the official grammar and vocabulary curricula were mostly repeats for me.)

Then she started a unit on French history, and I perked up. Madame assigned us to do group presentations about various historical figures. I forget who I did; probably Robespierre, who was always a favorite of mine after Mrs. Johnston's ninth-grade simulation of the Revolution.

Anyway, this three-person group, which included a GPA-obsessed girl named Holly (names have been changed), her best friend, Betty, and Betty's boyfriend, stood up and started doing a presentation about Henry IV in halting French. I quickly caught the problem and started grinning. I looked over and caught Madame Selke's eye. She looked less amused, but then, she was a native Frenchwoman.

(Henry IV, who instituted religious tolerance, among other things, is a famous and beloved figure in French history. To Madame, this was probably like an "ignerint Yank" messing up on Queen Elizabeth the First while talking to a Brit.)

She interrupted them brusquely and told them, in French, "Wrong guy. You're talking about Henry IV of England. Go back and do some real research. You can re-present in two days. You might even, possibly, be able to salvage a passing grade..."

Holly, predictably, started to cry. That was her response to everything. "I got a B- on this calculus test. I think I'm going to cry!" she would announce, and then burst into tears. Followed immediately by "But I'm ranked number nine in the class! This might knock me out of the top ten! I'll never get into college...[Wail]" (This despite the fact her parents had been pre-paying her tuition to the Florida university system for years.)

I still wonder, to this day, how they could have made such an error. Granted, the French and British aristocracy intermarried and conquered each other over the years. Acquitaine, Normandy, and other provinces endured political tug-of-war. Henry VI (of England) was even briefly declared king of both nations, but that didn't last.

Still, you'd think a modicum of research would alert them to the difference between "Guy who usurps the English throne and kills his nephew(s), 1399" and "Guy who converts to Catholicism so he can be crowned King of France, 1594." I mean, two centuries!

I found the entire thing hilarious. It also demonstrated one of the reasons I was never obsessed about class rank. I was interested in getting good grades, of course, and I played the numbers game as much as necessary, but I never let the fear of "But I might get a B in that class!" stop me from choosing challenging coursework. The most important thing was acquiring a real education, which included knowing how to [*snicker*] apply sanity tests to research.

(Does it count as a "creative anachronism" if it's unintentional?)

Holly was a classic example of putting grades over learning. She used to ask me for help with her homework; once she had a current events question and muttered "you're so smart!" when I answered "Jean-Bertrand Aristide used to be the president of Haiti. There was a coup there recently, he fled to the U.S., and President Clinton is considering sending troops to intervene." This simple explanation would have been unnecessary had she ever read a newspaper. Instead, she spent all her time on rigid homework, cheerleading, and boys.

Of course, she was just being a typical teen-age girl, while I was most decidedly...not. No wonder I didn't date much. I had my own drama over that, naturally, but never enough to make me act like an airhead.

Perspective

History, for me, is about stories. It's less about exact dates and more about broad sweeping movements. It is the biographies and interactions of fascinating personalities. Learning from past mistakes and trying not to repeat 'em. But, mostly, it's about expanding my scope of things to satirize. Obviously, there is much to mock in the modern world, but why limit oneself?

Just yesterday, Eric asked me a question and I found myself summarizing the career of Charles the First (of England), concluding with "He might have tried a variety of strategies after being captured. He could have argued, 'I'm incompetent, but not evil!' or pretended to be penitent, or tried to negotiate a settlement of voluntary exile. Instead, he looked haughtily at Oliver Cromwell and said 'You have no right to put me on trial. I do not accept this court's authority; I can only be judged by my peers, which means other heads of state. You people are so unequal to me, I think I'll just ignore you.' So the Puritans went "Uh huh," and chopped off his head anyway..."

I may take a few liberties with the facts. Hollywood does it all the time (and I critique them), but if it helps the dramatic arc of my story, then it's okay.

Feel free to mock my summary of Latin-American history. After all, if I run out of historical anachronisms to satirize, I must needs create mine own.

While you're doing that, I'll reflect on my own personal history, and one of the best moments of an otherwise horrible year. Henry IV. Heh, heh, heh.

Best Homeschool Lessons: Spontaneous Historical Battles

So, this history lesson was a digression. Normally Eric reads one section of Story of the World and we discuss it, making connections to previous empires, geography, economic pressures, religious innovations, suppositions about where various myths came from, and other 'social studies' implications. It frequently turns into me telling him a more detailed story. For instance, when he read the myth about Romulus and Remus founding Rome, I supplemented by relating an abridged version of The Aeneid.

On one particular day, though, Eric tried to stump me. He pulled out the "Everything You Need to Know About World History" book and asked me questions.

I took notes of the subsequent contest and counted it as his history class for the day.

I have edited the notes slightly and present the conversation here:


First Question

Eric: When was William the Conqueror crowned?
Mom: Well, he won the Battle of Hastings in 1066 A.D... you mean, when was he crowned King of England, not Duke of Normandy, right?
Eric: Yes. [Note: I think Eric looked a little worried, like he was thinking "Uh oh, Mom seems to know a lot about this..."]
Mom: Then it would have been 1066 or the next year, 1067. I'll go with 1066.
Eric: But it was on Christmas Day. You didn't get the specific day.
Mom: [philosophically] Ah well.

Second Question:

Eric: When did Allende die?
Mom: Who?
Eric: Allende. A-L-L-E-N-D-E.
Mom: I have no idea who that is. [Pause while Mom muses/mutters to herself. "Is that a French name? What was the name of that British general in Palestine during WWI?..."]
[Note: I was thinking of General Allenby, whom I looked up later.]
Mom: [incorrectly hoping Eric was pulling questions from a timeline of medieval European history.] Okay, I'll guess 1350 A.D.
Eric: 1973.
Mom: What was he famous for?
Eric: I don't know.
Mom: That's going to drive me nuts, then.
[I looked it up and discovered Allende was the leader of Chile deposed by Pinochet.]


Verdict:

A tie. I got one and lost one. Of course, we also ended up discussing the Battle of Hastings and its impact on the English language, so I can claim I successfully taught Eric something by being sneaky. Hehehe.

Best Homeschool Lessons: Minion Training

So, I have recovered some of my files, and I have finally figured out how to upload video from my phone to my computer. I'm still waiting for access to my laptop files, though, so I can't update Mommy quotes from November 2009 through December 2010 yet.

This presents me with a dilemma: do I wait and update everything in order, probably this summer, or do I do the most recent few months and then add flashback Mommy Moments retroactively?

At the moment, I am punting by taking content instead from classic homeschool lessons.

So here are my notes from Friday, September 17, 2010:

Minion Day

"Today, Eric requested a Minion-themed day instead of a field trip."
[Note: normally, if he does a good job Monday through Thursday, we try to have some kind of field trip, like going to the library, on Friday.]


"History: Considered minion case studies, like Pinky and the Brain, or the familiars in Disney's Sleeping Beauty. Discussed how a good minion thinks through problems, tries to identify the boss's underlying goal(s), asks for clarification, etc. Eric asked why most minions made stupid mistakes. I theorized that people with any gumption wouldn't put up with awful, abusive working conditions. I explained that, as the Witch of Doom, I am training my minions young so they can be both clever and loyal."

[Another side note: this, plus the algebra problem where she turns minion #18 into an alligator, led to a series of bedtime stories where the Witch of Doom related the sad ends of her string of minions. The first died valiantly, shielding her from a spell. Some blew themselves up through incompetence in the lab; one, a graduate student, got too uppity and escaped. That successful defection still rankles.) The Witch is constantly trying to balance competence with loyalty, and getting frustrated. Hence, as stated above, her current project to subvert brilliant but impressionable young children.]

[Yet another side note: My sister Cheryl suggested to Dad, years ago, that he do a Total Quality Management seminar about the leadership styles of various evil villains, with emphasis on how their poor handling of underlings frequently results in the downfall of their otherwise brilliant plan for world domination. Feel free to submit examples.]

"English: Grammar lesson. Linking verbs, diagramming thereof. Minion sentences."

Right: Minion sentences with linking verbs.
Left: Much more fun, Eric diagrammed
"Extremely crazy Eric sings very loud lectures about silly books ambiguously."

"Science: Chemistry of potions. Dragon's blood is a colloid. Love potion w/ground herbs is a suspension which must be stirred three times clockwise immediately before use. Explanation of when to use alligator's blood plus fairy dust as an emergency substitution."

[Note: this included the caveat about how it doesn't work for finicky-class potions; an important plot point in the later "Witch of Mixed-Fraction Doom" algebra problem involving polymorph juice.]

"Math: Showed Eric a simple supply/demand curve on a price/quantity chart. Discussed finding the optimal price point and quantity of love potions to produce each month."


Minion Week

[Minion Day was so successful, Eric requested, and got, a Minion Week for Halloween. It was more of a practical, hands-on experience, run by the Witch of Doom. Excerpts from her notes on his performance that week:]

"...helped in the library. Sorting books by category, alphabetizing by author, plus good old fashioned work ethic/loyalty test. Kind of apprenticeship/unpaid internship/job interview..."

"Lab assistant. Washed beakers & followed a recipe to create Dragon Turd Bread. Distracted, but didn't explode anything..."

[Note: If a lackey destroys property or dies, he automatically fails.]

"Minion history. Worksheet on Nixon's underlings. Demonstrated recruit could (1) do research, (2) evaluate, and (3) weigh sources. Also discussed what he would have done differently as McCord or Haldeman, etc..."

"Conclusion: Shows promise as apprentice. Worth training. Nine year indenture, sleep in stables with harpies."

--Of course, the Witch is notoriously bad about choosing, training, and keeping staff, but I'm sure we all wish her good luck on this latest try. We'll also hope her latest lackey thinks to provide his own earplugs.

Sammy is walking! (And he's sooo cute!)

Sammy rolled/crawled/stood/climbed stairs early. Based on my preliminary data, it seemed probable that he would also walk early.

Instead, he hit a very comfortable plateau and cruised there -- literally. He cruised, and cruised, and cruised...

Bravely Cruising around Mount Mama.

(The rocky terrain made a sea voyage difficult.
No wonder it lasted five months.)

I developed a theory. I think he knows that once he starts walking, he will be classed as a "toddler," and not a "baby," after which the spontaneous adoration may fade.

And he's addicted to adulation. Any trip (especially to the grocery store) which doesn't yield at least one new convert? Total loss in his ledger. His slogan is "My dimple can fell victims at thirty paces," and it's true. (Almost all his victims are female, by the way. He's such a ladies' man.)

For the last month or two, he has been toddling two steps back and forth between the sofa and the hot chocolate table. Those are stationary objects, though, and in-house motion requires crawling. For distances, a mobile throne (ie stroller or shopping cart) suffices. His favorite mode of transport, naturally, involves the litter-bearing shoulders of worshiping grandmas.

Sammy graciously accepts tributes
from doting grandpas, as well.
As with a shiny new helicopter!
Thanks, Grandpa and Grandma Berry!
December 17, 2010.

I fear his cousin Patrick (who "skates through life entirely on charm") may soon have a rival.

I know, as his mama, that it's my duty to step in and protect him from the spotlight. How many child stars end up miserable? For that matter, how many adults can't handle fame and become highly self-destructive? A better question might be "how many movie stars actually maintain a single, healthy marriage?" I agree with John Rosemond's wise counsel about "attention is an addictive drug" and "spoiled children do not become happy adults."

Praising a child for being cute/handsome/beautiful leads to shallow character, and vanity. I know this. And yet, along with every female who has ever crossed his path, I just smile helplessly and say "But he's soooooo cute!"

(Well, okay, two-year-old girls tend to say, simply "Baby!" And the lady at Danny's school who picked him up in the office and started chattering at him was speaking Spanish. I'm pretty sure the content translated to "Oh, what a cute baby! What a handsome boy!" though.)


...Wait, how did we get from "Sammy is walking" into a long digression about his amazing charm?

You see? You see the awesome mind control powers he has? I will post pictures as evidence, but I add that no picture or video clip has ever adequately captured his cuteness. As with most charismatic figures, one must experience his coyly flashed dimple, must bask in his powerful magnetism, in person.

Go ahead and buy your plane tickets. I'll wait.

At the airport with Grandpa Homer.
His shirt reads "Future Rockets Scientist."
December 20, 2010

Tae Kwon Do Baby. His brothers say
his most fearsome move is
"slobber-hand strike."
December 9, 2010

Well, with mixed emotions, I report that yesterday, on multiple occasions, he left an anchored position (like the couch) for an only semi-stationary target. (Me.) He toddled at least four steps (twice), then flashed a triumphant grin, which included a gratuitous dimple as a side-benefit. (Awww.)

He has taken his first steps toward real independence. Now I get to make a new prediction: the terrible twos will be horrible. When Sammy is eighteen months old, he will suddenly acquire a little brother or sister. Assuming this one is at least as cute as all my other babies -- I hasten to add that Eric and Danny were handsome and charming babies, too, just as physically cute, in my opinion, though they didn't get as much attention from strangers, possibly an eye contact issue -- U will probably begin stealing limelight at once. Addiction withdrawal, combined with all the other frustrations of toddlerhood...well, it likely won't be pretty.

But why worry about the heavy-interest emotional debt? Right now, Sammy is practicing walking to me, and each time he succeeds, I get a fix from his precious smile.

Medieval Prince, coyly singing "Greensleeves."
April 3, 2011

Addendum: Tonight during Family Home Evening, I had Eric hold my smartphone while Sammy toddled back and forth between Jon, me, and a chair. I didn't want to list it publically on youtube, but if you email me, I can send you a link to it.

Exercises in Concision

In the aftermath of my rants about David Weber's verbosity, I mentioned the growing art form of the uber-short story. Eric challenged me to try it.

Supposedly, Earnest Hemingway once took a bet that he couldn't write a six-word story, complete with beginning, middle, and end. His attempt: "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn." He won.

And if he could do it, I can...make an idiot of myself imitating him.


Six-words:

Suspense: Waiting for home pregnancy test.

"No bed!" screamed baby, then collapsed.

Which came first: neglect? Or tantrums?

Humpty Dumpty: His rise and fall.

Pooh's death scene: Morbid. And funny.

Adolescence: Drama, boys, school, boys, drama.

Grocery list: Cheap carbs, guilt, chocolate.


Twenty-five words (or less):

.......Once upon a time, Mom hired a dwarven contractor to build her castle. He peculated. The substandard roof collapsed. He died. No castle. Mom pouted.


......."I'm pregnant," she announced. "Happy birthday. Even though I have no idea how it happened, and it's totally all your fault!"


.......See Jane confess. Confess, Jane, confess!
......."I didn't do it!" said Jane. "I--Waaaah!--Yes, I did!" she cried.
......."Aha!" cackled Dick, at the rack.


Hardly an epic novel, but it was fun! And further proves that David Weber could trim. A lot.

The Literary Sins of David Weber (Revised)

[Note: this blog entry has been revised significantly. Hopefully it is more amusing this time around.]--ed.

David Weber writes science fiction. Badly.

My brother Ronald likes his stuff. This is ironic, because, to a man -- (this includes his women since he has only two stock characters, good guys and bad'uns) -- they are all verbose, whereas in phone conversations, Ronald tends toward the monosyllabic.

Ask a David Weber hero a question, and you will get a formulaic answer: "Qualifier, qualifier, yes, although, qualifier cliche."

Ask a David Weber villain the same question and you will get a long pause while the character panics, considers the political implications of the question, and tries to cover his rear with an eventual "Qualifier, qualifier, no, but justification, justification, blame spreading" followed by a secret evil sneer.

If I were to ask you, gentle reader, a simple question, I would likely get simple answers.


Gail to random sampling of friends, relatives, and passers-by: Do you believe in adoption?
"Sure"
*Shrug*
"Yeah, like I have a friend who got pregnant at sixteen, and she couldn't take care of her baby, so the kid really is better off in a stable, two-parent home. Plus my friend could finish her education."
"Absolutely!"
"No. I think if you create a life, you should be the one responsible for caring for it."
"My husband and I were infertile and we adopted. It changed our lives. Wonderful!"
"In most cases, as long as there's reasonable oversight."
"Meh."
"Better than bouncing around the foster care system. Yikes. And way better than getting an abortion."
"Whatever is best for the child."
"Why do you ask?"


Now, let's ask three generic David Weber characters the same question.

Generic good-guy government official: [Reflectively] Well, sir, on the whole, I would have to say I do. Obviously we have a huge population problem right now, what with so many adults dying in the war against the bad guys. Our government could be doing more to protect our soldiers, and our civilians, from the rampages of the evil bad guys, but we are doing our best. Still, there are far too many orphans running around, and the best thing for them would probably be to get placed in foster homes. That's not always an option, though the king certainly wishes it were, and so we're building orphanages as fast as we can, though our resources are strained by also building as many ships as possible....blah, blah, blah.


You know what? I can't stand it. Let's change the question to "How do you feel about slaughtering zombies?" for a little variety.


Generic Angsty Hero: Well, obviously it depends upon the individual circumstances. Naturally, we all want to protect our citizens, but the unfortunate fact is, most zombies once were our citizens. I wouldn't say that every case of zombification is a direct result of biological warfare, but it's almost certain that at least ninety-six percent of them are. I've sat in councils with King Cayleb and I've seen the pain in his eyes when he gets reports of young children orphaned by zombies, or, even worse, turned into zombies themselves. As much as I hate wanton destruction, we have no choice at the moment but to slaughter the undead, although Lord Stodgy is working hard on a vaccine. I can't promise an end to this scourge, or even justice for its victims, but I can promise that one day we will confront the evil empire and make those hypocrites pay for what they've done!
You see? Even under these circumstances, the character manages to make it boring.

I asked the #3-ranked Villain in the Evil Leadership Cabal of the Corrupt Church Executive Committee the same question, but I can't print his answer. Take it on faith that it would turn you, gentle readers, into zombies. Then orphan your children, then turn them into zombies. And then create a plague of undead who destroy genre fiction by insisting upon novels devoid of literary merit like character, plot, metaphor, or readable dialogue.

You think I'm exaggerating. Alas, no.

Not only does Weber write this stuff, he doesn't have the discipline to trim it from his novels, despite it's obvious lack of relevance to the plot. Even worse, he uses cliches. And even more unnecessary qualifiers than I could bring myself to insert into the hypothetical examples above. Does the man not have an editor?

Behold, a real example:

I quote from page 375 of A Mighty Fortress. A minor character is considering his problems manufacturing cannon.
' "And as White Ford's pointed out, it's probably not totally unreasonable for crews to be just a tad leery of guns that have demonstrated such a pronounced tendency to kill or maim their gunners," he thought disgustedly.'

Ew. I mean, EWWW. I think some putrefying brains got dribbled onto my sleeve, along with drool.

And yes, this is a representative sample. If you insist, I could produce more. Lots more. If you do insist, though, I shall discreetly question your sanity, or your undead status.

I will offer a bounty to the person who expresses that thought in the least number of words.

Here are my attempts:

First revision: "Given our unreliable cannon, no wonder we can't retain gun crews."

Second revision: Don't bother. Just yank the entire scene.

No words at all. I win! Pthpt!



I believe that any David Weber book could easily be reduced by a third. I further believe that any random non-battle page could reasonably be reduced by one-half.

If someone wishes to take this challenge, send me the book and page. We can have a competition to see who can better axe the foliage down to pre-spindle size.


Now, the obvious question is, why do I still read him? Short answer: I don't, much, anymore. Long answer: 1) He used to be better; 2) I want to see how the series ends; 3) I don't read anymore, just skim; 4) I have a morbid curiosity to see just how bad he can get and yet still be published; 5) It helps me fall asleep; and 6) I was doing research for this blog post, trying desperately to convince my brother that solid science cannot atone for the abomination of bad writing.

"I am constantly amazed," I tell Jon whenever I break down and read another book, "How he can have such good ideas, and yet execute them so poorly."

Granted, I have a similar problem. That won't stop me from critiquing him. Ah, hypocrisy.

There's beating a barely-breathing horse. Then there's beating a dead horse. Then there's abusing the re-animated zombie horse until its various body parts are scattered in an even worse mess than its previous excrement. And then there is beating a dead horse, burying it, digging it up again, torturing its desecrated bones, and cloning it into an entire army of ancient nags, merely to perpetuate a death spiral of dwindling marginal utility.

David Weber has definitely moved into the zombie phase. I fear that, without intervention, he will soon venture even beyond that, into the undiscovered country of cloned cliches.

I could go on, and on, and on, in detailing the man's crimes. Yet I shall show mercy. I fear lest my idealistic revolution morph slowly into the very corrupt system I once opposed.

Ah, Ronald, what lack I yet? I suppose that if I haven't converted you, I could always write yet another essay on the point. How's that for motivation?

The pen really is mightier than the sword! And there are fewer moral problems with baptism by literary torture than baptism by beheading. Or accidental beheading by baptism of a rotting corpse. Do I hear an Amen?


--[Note: I cannot compare to Mark Twain, alas. He wrote a fantastic essay mocking the mistakes of James Fenimore Cooper. His commentary about literary rules requiring the characters to be distinguishable from the corpses seems particularly apt. If you want real sarcastic literary criticism, go check it out.]--

Share the Tortured Psyche

I have crazy dreams.

It is common for me to have detailed (but nonsensical) dreams about piloting a spy submarine through a sewer pipe in Shanghai. Or to stave off hoards of man-eating (and also cannibalistic) zombie hot dogs at a medieval wizard college.

I also have these recurring thematic nightmares. The most common of these involves me, back in high school or college, suddenly realizing "Wait! Wasn't I enrolled in calculus (or biology) this semester? But I haven't attended class in ten weeks and...aaack! The final is in three days!" As the nightmare unfolds, I realize that I shall not only fail the test, fail the class, and fail to graduate, I will also ruin my GPA, lose my scholarship, face ridicule from my class competitors when I don't make the honor roll, and (worst of all) totally embarrass myself in front of the math genius I have a huge crush on.

I suspect this is the geek version of dreaming about appearing in public naked.

I'm also being stalked by a three-story, 5,000-square foot house with a butler's pantry. Around once a month, it appears in a dream, and each time it has exactly the same floor plan. *shiver*


Now, on a whim, I have decided to share my insanity with y'all. Why should Jon be the only person forced to hear a detailed recounting of my nuttiness?


Back to School:

So, two nights ago, I had a dream wherein I was going back to college for a M.A. in comparative religion. Even though I was married with children, I was apparently going to commute home only on the weekends, and live in my old Camelot apartment near the UF campus. I felt vaguely guilty that we hadn't tried moving into married student housing so we could stay together, but then shrugged it off.

I stopped by the UF Institute to discover that it had been turned into a beautiful little mini temple (it looked a lot like Chateau d'Azay le Rideau) with an Institute instead of a visitor's center...but it still had a huge parking problem, naturally.

After negotiating with the registrar's office -- who resisted my agenda until, for some reason, I spoke to them briefly in German -- I rushed off to my first class.

Naturally, the religion department was crowded, so they were renting "portable" classrooms. In this case, my Church and State legal issues seminar was being held in a de-commissioned bright orange "Sunkist" semi.

Taught by President Obama.

I paused briefly at that one. "I'm sure he's an excellent academician," I thought, "But shouldn't he be, you know, governing?"

He stood in the cab to greet each student as we filed in. Next to him was a bag of donations to poor children. Apparently he used social pressure (and possibly extra credit) to encourage spoiled, bratty college kids to give their used toys to the needy.

I felt embarrassed that I hadn't known. Naturally, I tried to compensate and managed to embarrass myself even further. I shook his hand and blurted, "I just want you to know...as an under-graduate, I filed a brief of amicus curiae with the Supreme Court on the Bush v. Gore case, and I totally sided with you!"

(Yes, this was a completely idiotic remark. On several levels. And after I woke up, I started processing them, one by one.)

He looked at me oddly, but was very polite. "It's great that you're so involved," he said. I knew I'd said something wrong, but in the dream, I couldn't figure out what.

I'm sure this says all kinds of things about my crazy mind. I will, however, leave the analysis for my gentle readers.


French Revolution:

Last night, I had a great dream! I was at the best high school French competition EVER.

Each school's French team would study up on French history and practice improvising dialogue.

At the event, each student would be assigned a persona randomly. Possibly "You are Murat," or "you are a generic member of the Maquis in 1943."

Members of opposing teams would then be given a simple situation, like "You, corrupt Vichy administrator, are interrogating you, captured Maquis guerrilla. There was a recent raid on a train bridge over the Loire. Ready, set, go."

Then the judges would award points based on a rubric, measuring creativity, authenticity, historical detail, grammar, vocabulary, and accent.

Adding to the tension is that each member of the skit would be trying to one-up the other, since it was competitive, not co-operative.

At the end, all individual points were totaled and the high school team with the highest count won.

This is such a fantastic idea, I wish I could try it in real life! Still, the next-best thing happened, because I dreamt my own entry, which I will now loosely relate here.

I was a generic peasant, circa 1788, working in a bakery, grinding flour and baking bread. My opponent was the local lord (probably a baron, but the dream didn't specify).


Aristocrat: [miming carrying a heavy load] Aide-moi! (Help me.)
Gail: [miming grinding flour] Bien sur. (Of course.) [She continues to grind.]
Aristocrat: Idiote! Appelles-moi "maitre." (Idiot! And call me "master".)
Gail: [With sarcastic deference.] Bien sur...sieur. (Of course...sir.)
Aristocrat: [pretends to kick her, lose his balance, and drop his packages] Aide-moi tout de suite! Vite! (Help me right now! Hurry!)
Gail: Mais je vous aide maintenant. (But I am helping you right now.)
Aristocrat: Comment? (What? How?)
Gail: Je travaille constament. Le plus le travaille, le plus de la nourriture. Le plus de la nourriture, le mieux de l'argent. (I work constantly. The more work, the more food. The more food, the better the money. )

--[Editorial note: in the dream, I used the word 'mieux' which actually means 'best.' I should have used the word 'moins', meaning 'less'. My French is very rusty. I am sure it is not the only error in the text. Apologies. What I was trying to say was "The more I work, the more food I produce. The more food I produce, the less it costs you." It seemed witty at the time. I guess you could argue that if the baron owns the local bakery, the more I produce, the more money he earns, so I wouldn't have lost points for it...but I was secretly thinking that the less food costs, the easier things will be for other peasants.]--

Aristocrat: [suspiciously] Connais-tu Robespierre? (Do you know Robespierre?)
Gail: [innocently] Qui? (Who?)
Aristocrat: Robespierre. Il veut organiser une revolution grande. (Robespierre. He wants to organize a huge revolution.)
Gail: [pretending to knead bread vigorously] Pardon, mais je suis seulement une paysanne ignorante...monsiegneur. [She slams the dough aggressively, implying a vicarious torture for nobles] (Sorry, I'm just an ignorant peasant...my lord.)
Aristocrat: [Slightly panicked] Tu es revolutionaire! (You're a revolutionary!)

---

I was interrupted by my alarm going off. I'd love to know how it ended, too. I have a feeling I was about to say something incredibly witty, albeit with awful grammar. Sadly, I can't remember what it was.

Still, I was elated. It's been years since I've had even a partial dream in French.

It was so much fun! My French was bad, but there was such a natural explanation when I had to pause for a word, or rephrase things.

Wouldn't that totally be the best language competition ever?

Vive la Revolution!