Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mommiest Moments: June, 2009

Chaunticleer the Chicken: The eggs are just metaphorical.

Andy the Llama: “Green” is the important word here. It means we should eat grass.

Rabbits: Or lots of vegetables. Add in some green pepper and green beans...make an omelet!

Wolves: That's stupid! Meat is the only real diet!

Bears: Ham and eggs sound great to us! But they end up in the water, which means we should eat fish, too.

Alexander the Great Killer Whale: Hear, hear! As long as you swallow some lichen at the same time to get the “green” you need.

Gregory the Goat: I think green eggs and ham are important, but let's not forget the other foods that appear in the book, like boxes and car tires, and—

Tecumsah the Skunk: And “Green” means “environmentally friendly.” Let's prepare our meals with minimal pollution...

Orville the Pig: This is an apostate work! Heresy! Ignore it!

Tecumsah the Skunk: Well, I certainly believe that there are some mistranslations involved...I mean, green ham?

Gregory the Goat: Maybe it's supposed to be moldy.

Polgara the Dragon: I know! Use that ketchup made from green tomatoes! (Maybe mixed with some Vulcan blood...)

Christopher Robin: But what about the egg issue? I think that's just a suggestion. But if you do use eggs, they should be from chickens..

Chaunticleer: It's a parable, I tell you! An allegory!

Mallory the Mallard Duck: As long as you don't use duck eggs...the pictures seem quite clear about using chicken eggs.

Chaunticleer: Have you ever seen green chicken eggs? You can't possibly interpret the illustrations that way. They were added in later. You fools!

[The argument quickly descends into personal attacks, then into a massive mêlée, with factional fur and feathers flying amid cries of “Anathema” and“Apostate!”]

--Eventually a prophet arrived and restored order.

---I was teaching a new-member lesson about the apostasy and restoration. I took Green Eggs and Ham in Latin, a Latin dictionary, two Latin textbooks, and asked the kids to translate. When they couldn't, I let the stuffed animals take a crack at it...

----Many thanks to Carolyn, who brainstormed a bunch of the best lines.

“We almost had a Roanoke crisis in the storage room. The stuffed animal colonists forgot to bring seeds, metal tools, medicine, reference books...”

--This all started when Danny asked, “But why didn't the pilgrims just go to the grocery store?”

“Rejoice! For Bear is innocent! We had a mock trial for homeschool today, the Honorable Justice Mommy presiding. Technically the case should have been thrown out for several reasons, including lack of evidence and jural errors (like coaching both counsels from the bench). Plus I should have recused myself because of a conflict of interest. (Bear was accused of stealing my book.) But don't tell the kids, because then they'd file a motion to declare a mistrial and then I'd have to go through it all again...”

--I particularly enjoyed making them call me “Your Honor.” :)

“Well, as a mammal, I'd like to see Ozzie the Lion win. But as a smaller person of prey, I rather favor Newton the Newt. Except, although he's a brilliant scientist, he's rather disconnected from people. I suspect he's Aspie. Maybe I could convince Jacques to run...bears don't usually eat mice, right?”

–A. Nonny Mouse, discussing presidential candidates in the aftermath of The Velveteen Revolution.

--They haven't even finished drafting their constitution, and already they have election fever! They are more American than they admit....Still, the children are learning a lot.

“But Mommy! Nannerl loves being tortured! ...Except on Sundays.”

--Danny, protesting, after I told him to stop swinging banging her head into walls and tying her tail around doorknobs.

Mommy: If you slew a dragon and got the whole hoard, would you buy me a twenty-room castle?

Eric: No. [Resumes reading]

Mommy: [sighs] Oh well.

--He was reading the Dragon Slayers Academy series, where the premise is “send your kid here, and in ten years he'll repay your investment...after a modest fee skimmed off for our school...” He later relented and said that if he earned a lot of money a different way, he might build a castle and let me live there. I shall wait twenty years until he is the next Bill Gates and remind him. He even said that he would let me help to design the thing!

“Oooh. Let's drop Grandma's sewing machine and surger over the edge...”

--I told the kids a bedtime story where they and their cousins made a huge imaginary mess at Grandma Homer's house. Except then they had to clean up their huge imaginary mess, but they had trouble remembering what was in it, since they couldn't see it. Though it hurt to step on...

---No real sewing machines were damaged during this story. Just in case Grandma was worried.

“When will it be out of impounsion?”

--Danny. And to think, only a few months ago, he would ask, “But when will it be outpounded?”

“No thank you, I fell in the cue.”

--Eric, randomly.

"Eric, you're not to do that!"

"I'll not wait, I'll just do it right now."

--Danny has been experimenting with slightly archaic constructions this last month or so. Very cute.

Danny: I am going to make Daddy a surprise lunch! [He takes a tortilla shell, squeezes two tablespoons of ranch dressing onto it, adds mayonaise, margarin, mustard, strawberry jam, and maple sugar, then rolls the entire thing up.] I am calling this a “sugar cavayna.”

Mommy: That's so sweet of you! Unfortunately, Daddy will be gone most of the day running errands or working in the clerk's office. I'm afraid he won't be home until after you're asleep.

Danny: Then he can eat it when he gets home. Mommy, will you tell him about it?

Mommy: Sure, honey. [mischievous glint in her eye] Or you could wait until tomorrow morning and give it to him then. That way you could see his reaction yourself.

Danny: [graciously] No, but Daddy will miss lunch and dinner and he will be very hungry when he gets home and so I will let him eat it then.

Mommy: That is very thoughtful of you.

Danny: [Nods seriously]

[Many hours later, I showed Jon his surprise dinner.]

Jon: [gaping] Whose son is he, again?

Gail: [blushing] Um. Mine...

--Crazy creations, weird conconctions, melodrama, over-sensitivity, insane imagination...anxiety...humor...sheer, raw cuteness... Is there any doubt? Other than his strong civil engineering streak, which he might have gotten more from his Grandpa Homer...

"But you said to stack them in the storage room..."

The Dancing Tent tiptoes ominously...
...and giggles.


Carolyn said...

The Velveteen Revolution? An entire trial? You're so creative, Gail. I'm quite sure that's where your children get it from. :-) (When was the last time you or Jon actually ATE one of Danny's concoctions?)

Jon said...

Sorry, but I can't possibly take the animals and their legislative sessions seriously. If they were real politicians, they'd leave out the idealistic beliefs and replace them with similar (yet hollow) speeches meant to placate and support the lobbyists of their choice. Then they would hurry off to their next big between session scandal. These animals are just a bunch of wannabes.

Jon said...

What if he can't afford a whole castle, only a tower?

Gail said...

Now, now, these things take time.

Elections in our country didn't get really nasty until the Adams-Jefferson contest in 1800.

In a small state, with a lot of direct democracy and a high degree of accountability, especially among noble souls, corruption and vapidity can take a generation or two to sink in.

Granted, not all my animals are "noble savages". Ozzie is way too egotistical, and if Rasputin were still around, I can imagine the chaos he'd create. But most of my animals are honest patriots despite some foibles. And unusually intelligent. Give 'em the benefit of the doubt.

Gail said...

I thought I'd made it clear long ago that I'd accept a modular castle.

Jon said...

I've heard that "sugar cavayna" is an excellent cure for both morning sickness and cravings, all in one neat little package.