Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sammy's Cheyenne Star Gate Escapade

I did, indeed, run a three-part series about Berry's Brave Band of Babies infiltrating Cheyenne Mountain. Using one baby as a diversion, Sam and another little girl penetrated deep into the bowels of the base, hid themselves in the backpacks of an SG team, were carried through the Star Gate and onto an alien planet (where babies were not allowed because they could do magic), used their new powers to play with an alien airship (and thus save the SG team), and were evacuated back through the Star Gate. Back on Earth, they were interrogated (unsuccessfully) by military intelligence, then eventually remanded to the custody of their parents.

Sammy calculated he had circumvented at least ten layers of security and was thrilled about having set the new world record. ("This totally beats that toddler who snuck onto a nuclear submarine!" he gloated.) Alas, he then realized that this was all so top-secret classified, his feat would never be made public. Even his parents were told only "Your baby was caught trying to sneak into Cheyenne Mountain," with no mention of how far he'd actually gotten.

Mommy, tired of her little Houdini's antics, announced that from now on, he would sleep in a padlocked steel cage rather than a crib. (She charitably supplied a mattress.) "If you're a really good boy," Mommy told him, "We will re-evaluate your status in a year."

Not my best bedtime story, but I thought it very sweet how Eric insisted that we leave the door to Sammy's room open so his little brother could hear the story. I was afraid this would give Sam ideas, or, worse, keep him awake at night, but I complied.

--[Naturally we would not use a prison cage crib in real life, but the policy is tempting because then we, his beleaguered parents, would no longer be required to pick up his toys several times a day.

Jon's theory is that Sammy falls asleep with his mongoose. When he wakes up in the morning, he plays with Mr. Mongoose for a while, then, despairing about parents coming to rescue him in the next three minutes, cries  "Save yourself!" or  "Get help!" and jettisons the animal overboard. He then does target practice with any other toys still in the crib, trying for a symmetrical distribution of scattered plastic.

My theory is that Sam throws his toys overboard to punish us for not getting him within twenty seconds of his first piteous mewling. Fortunately, his terrorist policy of tossing one toy per minute has minimal effect, since we don't let him sleep with more than two in the first place.]


Carolyn said...

you know, if you keep insisting that Sammy is secretly a BRILLIANT escapist / engineer / scientist, I think he's going to get some radical ideas. Ah well. He's your child!

Krenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Krenn said...

For your next bed time story, I reccomend a parable about Macgyver, the foolish engineer who never learned that Prior Preperation Prevents Poor Performance, but was constantly saved from the inevitable lessons by screenwriter fiat. He then goes on to embrace bizarre moral theories, like self defense is wrong, because he's been forever protected from his own mistakes.

Gail said...

Carolyn -- already doomed, might as well anticipate.

Ronald -- Jon runs a "Mad Scientist" series where idiotic errors result in the Mad Scientist dying at the end of each story, only to be inexplicably revived for the next installment.

Krenn said...

Yeah, but Macgyver was worse. Macgyver was a 'hero' engineer, who was basically a private international spy and general do-gooder, who routinely SUCCEEDED at impossible tasks through his 'engineering genius'.

Miraculously, despite doing three impossible things each day, and having to subdue a guard or flee a firefight every second episode....

Macgyver never carried anything other than a swiss army knife, and somehow solved every problem, in a timely fashion, with materials on hand.

He routinely built electric shock devices... but refused to ever carry a taser.

He would improvise body armor, but wouldn't pay the money for ACTUAL body armor.

He'd build potentially lethal potato guns or other explosives... but refused to carry a gun, or even a properly safe explosives detonator.

home-made flash-bangs, but never REAL flash-bangs. Routinely stole car batteries, but never tucked a 9-volt battery into a pocket! salvaged electrical wire from a farmer's fence, but never carried a roll of wire! estimated complex current flow without a multimeter!

Macgyver was the ANTI-engineer. he's almost as bad as Star Trek. there has to be a lesson out there about engineers who depend too much on luck, on not enough on proper preperation.

Jon said...

Again, any of you who haven't already heard her bedtime stories are really missing out. Maybe Gail could begin recording them and sell the videos online.

Gail said...

@ Jon -- Aww, you're sweet. They're really not that good. The fun thing about bedtime stories is I can plagiarize ideas, make mistakes, and just practice in a low-stress environment.

If I were actually trying to publish, I would need to do lots more revisions.

As the kids read more, they will doubtless come to recognize some of the cliches. Of course, they will also be more likely to want to read to themselves at bedtime. I have mixed feelings about that.