Mommy: [at the dinner table] So I thought, if the prince were an Aspie, he would have performed a statistical analysis of shoe sizes and narrowed the field. I mean, it sounds like Cinderella's foot was smaller than 99% of the population.
Eric: I think that means she was in the first percentile!Grandpa: [rolls his eyes in amazement]
"And then, if you adjust it here along the K scale, you see that the cube root of 27 equals...? Right, 3."
--Grandpa Homer, providing a basic tutorial on his generous gift of a slide rule to Eric.
Mommy: [Laughing] "Wow. Those are the cutest puppy-dog, fluttering eyes I have ever seen. [pause, melting] Okay, yes, you can have some more chocolate milk, but you realize that this won't always work, right?
Danny: [nods seriously]
--(That really was an amazingly cute, and funny, expression. I wish you could have seen it.)
"The books beguiled me...and I did read."
--Gail, explaining to her very tolerant husband why she had just spent $40 at the half-price book store.
"I have housing-price and closet-space envy. And milk is less than $3 a gallon!"
--Gail, admiring the economic situation in Indiana. (Alas, there are no computer-chip design jobs here.)
"Dear Heavenly Father...us we thank thee we [garbled here/place] now please [awful garble] [wince] sorry bad...name Jesus Christ amen."
--Gail, doing a Very Pitiful attempt to interpret (without warning!) the opening prayer of a Sunday School class.
Gail: [signing] I'm sorry I'm such a bad interpreter.
Deaf Sister: [tactfully] Just...practice. Practice a lot.
"But that's so...simple." --Gail, obsessively leaping into project mode, volunteering to take over, and making the six-cousin birthday cake project much more complicated. Naturally. (Grandma Homer wanted to do a basic sheet cake.)
Doug: [boasting] I am the only person in this car who has read any of the Chronicles of Narnia
Aunt Gail: [quellingly] Doug, I have read them all. More than twenty times each.
Doug: Oh. Well, I am the only KID in this car who has read any of the Chronicles of Narnia. So I already know what happens. You see--
Aunt Gail: Doug, don't spoil the ending for everyone else.
Doug: [sighing] Fine...
--(We were listening to the books on CD during the long drive back to Raleigh)
“Aunt Gail, what IS the right way to avoid offending someone in Latin America with your thumb?”
--My niece, Rachel, playing a travel version of “The Worst Case Scenario” card game.
"I want Aunt Gail to tell me my bedtime story!"
--A common theme. I'm delighted they enjoyed my stories. All except Patrick. I never could get the trains to his taste. (I kept introducing other characters, like sea serpents, into an otherwise fine train tale.)
[Telling Danny a story while pushing him on the swing]
Mommy: ...So Daddy took Eric and Danny and Bear camping for a whole week! But when they got there, they discovered there weren't any toilets. Eric and Bear started panicking at the thought of just going in the woods. But Danny was brave. He--
Danny: Actually, Mommy, I did not need to use the bathroom. I just held it.
Mommy: [skeptically] You held it? For an entire week?
Danny: [seriously] Yes, in this story I only waited until I got home and THEN used the bathroom.
Mommy: [muttering to herself] And then I paid for dialysis and a kidney transplant...
“Mommy, you could spell 'goat'. See? You have a G, O, and T.
--Danny, giving me tips while watching me play a scrabble-like game on the computer. I was very impressed that he sounded out that spelling all by himself!
“We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all people may be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances thereof!”
--Danny, trying to pass off the third Article of Faith. He got a bit tangled with the fifth. (Perfectly understandable.) You also have to imagine the missing /r/ and /th/ sounds.
“We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, lovely, of good report, praiseworthy...”
--Danny and Eric both had trouble with the thirteenth article of faith. Again, understandably!
Danny: 'We believe in...' Daddy, I need help.
Jon: The eighth article of faith is about the scriptures.
Danny: Aaaah. Dat's wight.
--(He sounded so grown up...except for his phonemes! You had to be there.)
“Mommy, you look so pretty!”
--Danny, spontaneously complimenting me one Sunday morning. I had actually put my contacts in!
[At Primary music time, playing “Name that Tune.” I was subbing with the Sunbeams on the front row.]
Chorister: Eric, how many notes do you think you need?
Eric: Three.
Chorister: Only three! Wow!
[Pianist plays three notes]
Chorister: So, Eric, what do you think?
Eric: [stares blankly, thinking]
Mommy: [whispering] Psst! Eric! [Signs “We” “Thank” “God”...]
Eric: We Thank Thee, Oh God, for a Prophet!
Mommy: [grins apologetically at the adults who caught her cheating]
--(I am trying to feel guilty, but it's not working। Instead, I am delighted at Yet Another Testament to ASL!)
2 comments:
I´m not surprised that all of the kids loved your stories. They are rather ingenious, after all! It´s funny though that Patrick refused to have other characters rather than trains...such a silly literalist boy. Did he and Danny play with trains together?
Yes, he and Danny played very nicely with trains. I took over Mom's basement hot-chocolate table, textured it with books, covered it with a green sheet, and created an amazing track that wound around the mountain! (I did it twice, actually.)
I'll see if I can post a picture.
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