"Oh, God, I thank thee that I am not as other monsters...Bless my siblings to be as helpful, kind, patient, prompt, and humble as am I...”
--I-derry-keeka, being sanctimonious.
“Mommy, I want you to punish da computer! Mommy! I want you to put da computer in da corner!”
--Danny, angry because an empty computer case fell on his foot.
"Mommy I want you to come play with me in the play room because I want to play in the play room because it is a play room."
--Danny, practicing the circular logic of a young three-year-old.
“When I-derry-keeka's Mommy writes stories about me, they are real.”
--Eric, on the fiction vs. non-fiction works in his binders.
"Be gentle with that sword!!!”'
--Mommy, hypocritically admonishing children not to hurt each other with toy swords she had provided.
"Mommy, Bear is taking good care of the baby. He is not eating the baby!"
--Danny, overseeing Bear's babysitting of the Baby Doll.
“When they talk about the pitter-patter of little feet...I don't think they meant the adorable-but-aggravating sound of TRUANT FEET who ought to be IN BED ASLEEP so as to stave off ATHLETE'S FOOT and GANGRENE! It would be a REAL SHAME if I had to SHACKLE those feet to the BEDFRAME!!”
--Mommy, frustrated for obvious reasons.
Mommy: I am putting the car in time out because it's getting too close to the wet paint. [Does so] [Pause] Danny, if your fingers get too close, I will put them in time out, too.
Danny: Mommy, can you put only my hand in time out?
Mommy: Two options. First, we could chop off the hand and put the rogue digits in time out. Second, we could incarcerate all of Danny.
Eric: [very seriously] I think the second option is the correct solution.
Danny: No, Mommy, don't cut my hand!
Mommy: I am issuing a ruling. Any further infractions will result in Danny suffering the consequences for his single, out-of-control appendage. It is unjust...but I'm not required to be a fair judge. [Pause] (Danny, I would never actually do that.)
"No, Mommy, I want you pounce me one two three four five six seven eight nine ten even twelf firteen fiftsisseight nineteen twenty times!"
--Danny
Danny: Eric, I died.
Danny: Eric, I died. Eric, I died! Eric, I died!!!!
[pause]
Eric: ...
Danny: Eric, I am going to be died. Eric, I was DIED! Eric, I DIED!!!!!!
Eric [responding, finally]: When will you be resurrected?
Danny: In one...two...free days!!!
Eric: What is one septillion times ten?
Mommy: I...don't know. I'd have to look it up.
Eric: Is it ten septillion?
Mommy: [gaping] ...
Mommy: Uh...probably!
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